Practical Rules for a Good Confession

by Fr. Eric Forbes OFMCap

 

In the Gospel of John, chapter 20, Jesus gave the Apostles the power to forgive sins.  We Catholics are not surprised by this because we know from Scripture that God often uses other human beings as the agents of his activity in the world :  Abraham, Moses, the prophets.  Among the many reasons Jesus gave the Apostles this power to forgive, one is most certainly pastoral.  By confessing to a priest, one ordained and authorized by the bishops, the successors of the Apostles, one can receive guidance and advice; one can hear the consoling words of absolution and forgiveness; one can be reconciled to the church community which the priest represents; one can avoid fooling oneself as one can often do when he or she keeps things to him or herself.

 

Yet, my experience as a priest and confessor moves me to suggest some practical guidelines that will help people make better confessions.  We have all had people come to apologize to us and ask for our pardon.  If we reflect back on these experiences, we will remember that some did it better than others.  Some medical patients cooperate with their doctors better than others.  A better confession allows us to experience the mercy of God in more profound ways.

 

My first suggestion is that penitents prepare for confession by making a complete examination of conscience.  If I wanted to apologize to my wife, if I had one, for not being the best husband I could be, I would spend some time thinking about all the different ways I may not be doing my best as a husband.  An examination of conscience is a remembering of as many specific episodes of sin as one can remember; the more time one spends remembering, the more things in the past one will remember.  If someone at your work asked you to tell them three ways off the top of your head that you could improve as a worker, you may be liable to name three things that are not as important as things that do not jump up at first thought.  Upon deeper reflection, you begin to see the more important things.  It is the same way when a person spends sufficient time making a complete examination of conscience. 

 

For some people, making a good examination of conscience means getting a good book or pamphlet that goes through the commandments of God and the precepts of the church.  I would also suggest that one begin the examination of conscience invoking the help of the Holy Spirit who sheds light on our minds and moves our hearts.  We can do nothing well without grace, God's assistance.

 

A sincere apology is a complete apology.  This is my second rule.  Be as thorough as you can.   Certainly, we can say with the Psalmist, "Who can number all his sins?"  Normally, we cannot remember all our venial sins or minor sins of omission - they are far too many to remember!  But these minor sins can easily be forgiven; we do not need to go to confession for venial sins.  But it is certainly true that we can more easily remember our mortal sins.  I would agree that one cannot remember every single incident yesterday when one was distracted at prayer, somewhat inconsiderate towards a person, did not notice someone needed my help.  But I would find it hard to believe that one cannot remember that one cheated on his taxes yesterday, or had illicit relations, or ran off with $100 that did not belong to him.  Mortal sins have to be confessed in order to be forgiven (unless circumstances prevent us from seeing a priest) and mortal sins can be, in nearly all cases, easily remembered if we take the time to make an examination of conscience, especially with the help of a good book.

 

The worst thing someone can do to you when apologizing to you is to make a mockery of it by apologizing for one thing when he or she is guilty of two.  Willfully hiding a sin reveals an insincere heart.  How can one say "I'm sorry, but I won't admit what I'm sorry about."  Thus the church teaches that we sin all the more when we conceal a sin from the priest when we confess.

 

My third advice is to be as specific as necessary without giving unnecessary details.  It does a doctor no good to tell him "I fell bad."  In the same way, it does no good to tell a priest "I did bad."  The doctor needs to know where you feel bad, how, when and under what circumstances.  If your stomach is upset, he needs to know what you ate, not who you ate it with.  In the same way, do not tell the priest the names of who you sin with or against, or fill your confession with unnecessary detail that has nothing to do with the heart of the matter.

 

But there is a difference between stealing paper clips from work and stealing food from a hungry child.  "Sinful relations" are sinful under all circumstances, but there is a difference if you are single, married, a person with the vow of chastity or obligation of celibacy.  "Bad thoughts" can mean a hundred things.  "I am guilty of everything" is probably an inaccurate statement if not a lie itself.  So, be specific.

 

Believe it or not, some people go to confession to tell the priest how good they are.  "Bless me father for I have sinned.  I try to be more patient.  I am doing better in my prayer life."  These are wonderful things for which we must praise God.  But not in confession.  Confession is for the confession of sins, not virtues.  That is my fourth advice.

 

And to be more precise, confess not just sin but specifically your sins, not the sins of your husband, wife or children.  "Father, I yelled at my husband but he was drunk at the time."  "Father, I struck my child but she wasn't paying attention."  When we confess this way, not only are we pointing fingers, we are also using the alleged sins of others as an excuse for our sins. In a way, we are saying, "I am not guilty, because it's really my husband's fault that I yelled at him.  If only he had not been drunk!"  Then why come to confession if you have no sins?

 

The fifth step may seem unusual to some.  Not only should we confess sin (not virtue), our own sins (and not those of others), we should also not confess things that are not sins.  "Father, I missed Mass last Sunday but I was very sick."  There is no sin in that, and we ought to know that.  It serves no purpose to bring it up in confession.  Confession is for the confession of sins, not non-sins.

 

Similarly, confession is not for the confession of temptations.  Sins are not temptations.  Jesus himself was tempted.  Sins are temptations we say yes to.  So if someone said to me in confession, "I was tempted to lie," I would have to ask, "And did you lie?"  If the answer is "no," then there is no reason to bring it up in confession.  What we should do when we successfully say no to temptation is give thanks to God.

 

I do, however, advocate the confessing of doubtful sins.  In other words, if you are not sure if what you did is a sin or not, confession is the very place where those doubts can be settled.  Bring it before the priest and let him assist you in clearing up what is foggy.

 

My last suggestion for making a good confession is not to expect confession to be primarily a time for counseling and therapy.  The Sacrament of Reconciliation (penance or confession) is primarily for the removal of the guilt we incur for committing mortal sin and for the restoring of sanctifying grace in our lives.  Once restored to sanctifying grace, once we repair our relationship with God, then we can focus on improving that relationship by working on those things in our lives that need improving.  That's where pastoral counseling can do its job.  We cannot expect the priest to "solve our problems" in the five or ten minutes we have in confession.  Go see the priest at another time, when both you and the priest have put aside time to discuss deeper things with sufficient time, without rushing.

 

A confession that is as complete as one can remember, that is done with adequate preparation and examination, that is specific but brief, which does not seek to excuse oneself or point out the sins of others, which confesses sin and not non-sins, which brings up doubts about one's sins and which does not attempt to turn the time into a counseling session - that is a good confession, assuming that the more important things are also present.  What could be more important than these practical steps?  Faith.  Faith in the mercy of God and in Jesus' use of the ordained to bring that mercy to you in a concrete way through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.